It's been six years now and my heart still aches for you.  You would have been 28 years old and sometimes I wonder what might have been.  I miss you so much, Rach-I long for you.  Still I am anchored in God's promises and know that you are with Him and that one day I will be there too. What a glorious day that will be!  I love you, my sunshine girl! 

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of her name.
It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul." 

 Should you go first and I remain,
To walk the road alone
I'll live in memory's garden dear,
With happy days we've known
In spring I'll wait for roses red,
When fades the lilacs bloom
And in early fall when brown leaves fall,
I'll catch a glimpse of you
Should you go first and I remain,
For battles to be fought
Each thing you've touched along the way,
Will be a hallowed spot
I'll hear your voice I'll see your smile
Though blindly I may grope
The memory of your helping hand,
Will buoy me on with hope. 

When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time -- the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes -- when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's gone, forever -- there comes another day, and another specifically missing part."
— John Irving (A Prayer for Owen Meany)

So I take a breath and a tear falls to my cheek
I told you that I would see you just next week
But a week has passed my precious child and
I am so very lost the only hope I have is what you gave to me
That Jesus died so that one day together we will one day be.

From: "Growing Light" by George Ella Lyon

I have to rely on other's faith, (since you, my truest inspiration, are no longer here to pray with me and laugh with me and teach me), to believe there is a light at the end of all of this darkness. For now, those moments I see you, just before reality hits that you are forever memory, is the light I must cling to.

Love always and forever,
Ame

Time is too slow for those who wait,
too swift for those who fear,
too long for those who grieve,
too short for those who rejoice,
but for those who love, time is ETERNITY.
by Henry van Dyke

A daughter is a day brightener and a heart warmer. ~Author Unknown

Lifetime Wishes

If I could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true.
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back.
I know because I've tried.
And neither will a million tears
I know because I've cried.
You left behind my broken heart,
and happy memories too.
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.

Rachel Catherine Barnes

Rachel Catherine Barnes. age 22, was born on July 9, 1983, in Pikeville, Kentucky, to Scrapy Louis and Marilyn Barnes. She departed this world on July 28, 2005, following a 3 1/2 year long battle with Hodgkin's lymphoma.

She is survived by her parents; a sister, Rebecca Slone; a niece, Sarah, three nephews, Andrew, Alex, and Shaun; one uncle, David Cook; two aunts, Linda Smith and Debbie Renigar; and a host of loving cousins and friends.

Rachel was preceded in death by her paternal grandparents, Joe and Bertha Barnes; her maternal grandparents, James and Eulah Cook; and an uncle, James "Jimbo" Cook.

Rachel was a member of Toler Creek Freewill Baptist Church. She attended Pikeville Elementary and Pikeville High School. She attended Morehead State University until she was first diagnosed. She later attended Big Sandy Community Regional and Technical College. Her goal was to become a computer network administrator. While attending school she worked at Food City- a job she loved.

During her illness, Rachel's faith, courage, and strength were immeasurable. Instead of asking, "Why me?" she would always ask, "Why not me?" She touched the lives of so many people and made so many friends during the twenty-two years she was with us. All through her illness she worried more about others than she did herself and was so grateful for what God had given her. When she smiled that beautiful smile, the love she had inside her came shining through. She was wise beyond her years and had an inner strength that only God could give.

Rachel had so much to deal with in her short time here, but she loved life and made the most of every moment. She endured to the end, leaning on her Lord, knowing that He would take care of her. She found in Him that "peace that passeth all understanding." During her illness, much of her life was consumed with treatments, scans, medications- doing whatever to obtain a lasting remission. But her life was about much more than HD and chemo.

She was an easy baby to take care of. She ws happy to be cuddled and just as happy to lay in her crib and play with her toys. Rachel was a quiet and independent little girl. She could entertain herself by "reading" one of my 200 page books-even though she didn't know how to read. She would watch the movies "Annie" and "Superman" over and over. She watched "Annie" so much that she had practically the whole movie memorized. She loved playing board and card games and was one of the best cheats you would ever meet.

Even at the age of three, Rachel loved to go shopping for clothes. She was fascinated by the mannequins and would stand next to them posing exactly like them. And she loved hiding from me under the clothes racks while I frantically searched for her until I would see two little legs inside a bunch of dresses. She loved working puzzles of any kind and was very apt in doing so. She would turn the puzzles boards over and work them there just for the challenge. She loved going to her babysitter's house. She had other kids to play with there and I am sure they kept Flo on her toes as they slid down the stairs and demanded more macaroni and cheese.

For the first few years of school she was timid and shy, but she adapted well and never complained. She wasn't at the top of the class but she worked hard and wanted to learn. She made a lot of friends and enjoyed having them over to ride bikes or play Barbies. She loved New Kids on the Block and Debbie Gibson, and she couldn't wait for Saturday mornings to watch Zach, Jessie, and Screech in "Saved by the Bell." She loved being a cheerleader for the area Little League teams and played softball every summer although she really hated it. She just liked being with friends.

Rachel was always, even from the time she was very young, an honest, sometimes outspoken person. If you asked her opinion about something you could be assured you would hear the truth. She never hesitated to tell me that my clothes didn't match or to tell Dad that he needed a shave. She had a mind of her own and was not easily persuaded. Sometimes her honesty scared me. She respected authority, but if she thought they were in the wrong she would tell them. She was also very observant and read people very well.

She was a typical adolescent. She liked spending most of her time with her friends which hurt me just a bit because she had always been "Mommy's girl." They went to the movies and to the bowling alley on the weekends and to an ocassional concert in Charleston or Lexington. They listened to music and had sleepovers from time to time which sometimes turned out to be "disastrous." She loved the whole Homecoming and Prom thing - decorating the commons area, going shopping to find the perfect dress, and getting her hair and make up done. Everything had to be perfect for my "Princess." She took piano lessons, and although she didn't have a great amount of talent, she worked hard until she mastered her pieces.

She liked everything about her high school days. She learned to drive and loved cruising around town with her friends. She enjoyed her classes and extracurricular activities. She loved the lunchroom food especially Farmer Jones and crispidoes. Her teachers and friends were the greatest. She was the co-editor of the yearbook, sang in the chorus and was a member of the dance team. She worked part time at a local supermarket - a job she loved. Her senior year was probably the happiest time of her life.

Her time at college was shortened by her diagnosis which came at the end of her first semester. She attended Morehead State Univeristy and was majoring in business with an emphasis in computer information systems. She loved working with computers which was good because it was her only outlet for long periods of time during her illness. After her first stem cell transplant, she bought the necessary parts and built her own computer. During a brief remission, she attended Prestonsburg Community College determined to get her degree. But once more, the cancer monster reappeared and she had to withdraw from school- again.

Rachel always had a positive attitude about things-about life itself. She was, like most people, sometimes unsure of herself, but she was never a quitter. If she made up her mind about something, she didn't stop until she had done everything she could to achieve her goals. This applied in every aspect of her life from making an A in algebra class to getting a new car that she didn't need to beating the cancer that wouldn't leave her alone.
Not only was she persistent and ambitious, Rachel was also courageous. Often during her illness, when I was so scared, she would be the one to encourage me and to push me. She decided for herself to undergo another transplant and she was the one to say "no more chemo."

I have so much admiration for this child of mine. I admire her strength, her courage, her faith, and her attitude. Although she liked to have a good time as much as any other young person, deep inside she was an old soul. Her wisdom, even from a young age, sometimes amazed me. I am surprised when people tell me what a beautiful "woman" she was because I still think of her as my baby and I guess I always will.
I think when someone we love dies, especially if it is our child, we tend to idolize that person. Rachel was by no means a perfect person. She was, like all of us, human and made her share of mistakes. But she was my beautiful little baby who blossomed into an even more beautiful young woman inside and out. She was my best friend who would listen to me and comfort me like no one else could. And she was the best teacher I have ever had teaching me things about life and about death I would never have known otherwise.
Our hearts are shattered, our souls are weary, and life will never be the same without our precious Rachel. We lost a precious gift of God when she left us that morning, but our loss is Heaven's gain.

In childhood's days our thoughts of Heaven
Are pearly gates and streets of gold,
And all so very far away;
A place whose portals may unfold
To us, some far-off distant day.

But in the gathering of the years,
When life is in the fading leaf,
With eyes perchance bedimmed by tears,
And hearts oft overwhelmed with grief,
We look beyond the pearly gate,
Beyond the clouds of grief's dark night,
And see a place where loved ones wait,
Where all is blessedness and light.

And over all we see the face
Of Him who'll bring us to our own
Not to a far-off distant place,
For Heaven is, after all, just Home!
--Sue H. McLane

"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm: for love is as strong as death."
~Song of Solomon~

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

The Broken Chain

We little knew that morning that God was going to all your name,
In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone,

For part of us went with you, the day God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide,

And though we cannot see you, you are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same,

But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.


Precious memories, how they linger
How they ever flood my soul
In the stillness of the midnight
Precious sacred scenes unfold.

Youth fades; love droops; the leaves of friendship fall; A mother's secret hope outlives them all.
~Oliver Wendell Holmes



He didn't tell me how to live;
he lived and let me watch him do it.
~Clarence Kelland



The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence; when only the heart speaks.


Sometimes being a brother is even
better than being a superhero.

        To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.
~Thomas Campbell, Hallowed Ground 

“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.

Thank you for all the love and happiness you brought into my life. You are forever Momma's little lamb. I love you, my Rachie Roo.